Like the Grand Canyon...
This post could get a little deep.
I know I don't open up much on here about personal things, but I figured why not tonight.
I've been known to be very emotional. I go off of my feelings a lot and while I don't necessarily hold grudges, I hang on to the feelings that one made me experience when they hurt me. Is that a grudge...? Anyway.
This could get ugly in real life, but here goes... My feelings revolve around my old church.
I started attending when I was 12. The youth group was awesome. It was huge and they always had events going on. I quickly got heavily involved with a lot of the activities there. If they would let me, I would sign up.
I stayed heavily involved until I was 19. I stayed in the youth group through two youth pastors and various changes within the church leadership. I was available whenever they needed me. I even went up to the church to fold the bulletins the day of my 16th birthday party. It was a scheme to get me out of the house so my mom could set up my surprise party, but they knew it would work because they KNEW I would want to help. I interned for two years after I graduated high school because I wanted to be a youth pastor. I made less than 200 dollars a month doing so and everything else I ever did was purely volunteer.
I was there when they needed me. Anytime. Anyplace.
When the time came when I needed what would probably had been less than 2 hours of anyone's time, I got nothing.
When the time came when I needed someone to care, I got nothing. During The Husband's first deployment, I had a really hard time. REALLY hard time. I stayed in bed for about 16 hours a day. I barely left the house. And I know people noticed that I wasn't doing well, it was obvious according to my best friends. I would try to reach out and nobody reached back.
Nobody gave a rats ass about me.
All of the people I had loved and cared for didn't seem to feel the same way for me. Many of them couldn't even be bothered to write back on Facebook. I mean, really? That takes a whole 3 minutes to do.
It's been quite the ride. I'm sure we've all been there. We've all lost a friend or two over our lifetimes. It sucks. It's hard.
I felt like I lost an entire family. It's a kick to the stomach. And those feelings have transferred over to how I feel about churches.
Many of my friends are Christian. A good majority actually. It's sometimes awkward for me when they ask me if I'm going to a church... No... I'm not. "Church People" have left a bad taste in my mouth and I have no desire to put myself through the drama and the hurt anytime soon. And I know not all people are like the "church people" I am wary of, but past experiences are coloring my future possibilities. It sucks when the ones who are supposed to love you the hardest don't and it sucks even more once you realize it.
Anyway. There really wasn't a point to this post... I just had to get it out into the world. Maybe it'll help me start taking down the walls I've built up.
I know I don't open up much on here about personal things, but I figured why not tonight.
I've been known to be very emotional. I go off of my feelings a lot and while I don't necessarily hold grudges, I hang on to the feelings that one made me experience when they hurt me. Is that a grudge...? Anyway.
This could get ugly in real life, but here goes... My feelings revolve around my old church.
I started attending when I was 12. The youth group was awesome. It was huge and they always had events going on. I quickly got heavily involved with a lot of the activities there. If they would let me, I would sign up.
I stayed heavily involved until I was 19. I stayed in the youth group through two youth pastors and various changes within the church leadership. I was available whenever they needed me. I even went up to the church to fold the bulletins the day of my 16th birthday party. It was a scheme to get me out of the house so my mom could set up my surprise party, but they knew it would work because they KNEW I would want to help. I interned for two years after I graduated high school because I wanted to be a youth pastor. I made less than 200 dollars a month doing so and everything else I ever did was purely volunteer.
I was there when they needed me. Anytime. Anyplace.
When the time came when I needed what would probably had been less than 2 hours of anyone's time, I got nothing.
When the time came when I needed someone to care, I got nothing. During The Husband's first deployment, I had a really hard time. REALLY hard time. I stayed in bed for about 16 hours a day. I barely left the house. And I know people noticed that I wasn't doing well, it was obvious according to my best friends. I would try to reach out and nobody reached back.
Nobody gave a rats ass about me.
All of the people I had loved and cared for didn't seem to feel the same way for me. Many of them couldn't even be bothered to write back on Facebook. I mean, really? That takes a whole 3 minutes to do.
It's been quite the ride. I'm sure we've all been there. We've all lost a friend or two over our lifetimes. It sucks. It's hard.
I felt like I lost an entire family. It's a kick to the stomach. And those feelings have transferred over to how I feel about churches.
Many of my friends are Christian. A good majority actually. It's sometimes awkward for me when they ask me if I'm going to a church... No... I'm not. "Church People" have left a bad taste in my mouth and I have no desire to put myself through the drama and the hurt anytime soon. And I know not all people are like the "church people" I am wary of, but past experiences are coloring my future possibilities. It sucks when the ones who are supposed to love you the hardest don't and it sucks even more once you realize it.
Anyway. There really wasn't a point to this post... I just had to get it out into the world. Maybe it'll help me start taking down the walls I've built up.
I'm really glad to see you talking about this. It's about time you get it off of your chest and start healing. I know you're weary of churches, but I promise you that not one church since I left that one have been the same. Also, with the joys of technology, there are ways to start hearing the word of God again, without having to interact with a single "Church Person" - podcasts.
ReplyDeleteAnd I hope you know, I loved you during that time :). I'm here for you whenever you need anything.
I am glad to see you get your feelings out and I am the same way, I really hold onto feelings... (I like to believe it's not a grudge. ;)) But, my point is, I am a Christian. I believe in God more than anyone but not necessarily people or all of his people. I have a horrifying experience with Church People, too, and it makes me sick. Those people, who are supposed to be leaders of Christ, often ruin the reality of Christ/God/any of it for people and it kills me. People are horrible and some of the worst are church goers. I don't think going to church turns people away anymore, which is sad, but I don't go every day or much at all anymore because of how two-faced people are. I'm by no means perfect. I am only human, but there are some things that I just don't think are acceptable -- such as not helping out someone who was so quick to give! And I also don't think it makes me any less of a person in God's eyes for recognizing that, or not going to church. I firmly believe He loves me just as much so long as I give Him what I can in my heart. The rest, I'm 100% certain He feels as bad for you because of what they did. In fact, He probably cringes because they (and the Devil) got rid of someone with so much heart and love. The Devil won, again, and that's the sad part in churches anymore.
ReplyDeleteAww wow what a great, heartfelt post! Sorry to hear about what you went through. My Fiance is in the Navy, and I'm dreading going through what you went through with deployment and not having that support system your truly need. I hope thing have gotten better for you. I'm really enjoying reading your blog!
ReplyDelete