I haven't been very outspoken about my belief system on here. Honestly, I haven't been very open about it with many people. I can probably count on one hand how many people I've discussed this with.
I think that might be because I find myself struggling with it more often than not.
For a little background:
I began attending churches from a young age and around 11/12, I became very involved in a youth group that all of my friends were apart of. Eventually, I became what is known as "born again" and my life revolved around the church. I even wanted to become a youth pastor when I grew up.
I went on missions trips to Russia, Mexico, and Northern Ireland. I led worship. I interned for the youth group. I conducted Sunday services and preached sermons.
It was my life. And by "it", I mean my religion. God was the center of my existence and I did everything I could to be a good Christian.
I failed often, but kept trying.
But after a certain point, I just stopped.
None of it made any sense. Nothing I had done in the past, nothing I was trying to do, nothing I experienced seemed like it was worth anything.
The people who I had looked to for guidance let me down. Things happened in my life, and around me, that made me question everything I believed it.
...That are still making me question everything I believe in.
There's nothing I hate more than a victim of circumstance. Yet, I find myself being one.
Looking at my past and asking "What did I do to deserve that treatment? Why wasn't I good enough? Why didn't those people really value me? Why does a loving and caring God let those things happen?"
I don't want to be the victim. At all. It's not an attractive personality trait, if you ask me.
So why can't I move on?
I've tried to just forget about it. That never works.
I've tried to look at it logically. That never works.
I've tried to forgive. That hasn't happened.
Truth be told, I miss what I had back then. I miss the feeling of community, I miss the good feeling I got after a good service, I miss feeling like things actually mattered.
I wish I could reconcile all of my inner demons and questions and move on.
I wonder what the secret is.